I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Im at a south american orphan benefit auction drinking stoli in a coffee mug, this is what my life has become, thanks a lot community college
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
Randomize
