Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.
I plan on offering nudes to any guy that wants to give me notes from the past five weeks of class
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.
Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
Randomize
