Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
