I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I mean a good dj is a huge turn on
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
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