i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
No. You're getting a Viking funeral and I'm pawning your shit.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
Starting to realize that fucking everyone I come across isn't the most... "adult"... coping method.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
Randomize
