Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.
You should probably take note of that and make it happen.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
It's like a harem of immaturity and bad ideas...and that's coming from me
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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