The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
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