that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
Just saw 30+ dicks. Explain later.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
I hope one day I make out with someone in a taco truck :(
I'm glad I inspire you to reach for the stars
Or a taco
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
Randomize
