i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Randomize
