At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know summer is almost over when ur school booty calls start hitting u up as if solidifying their spot in drunken mistakes for next semester
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
Randomize
