I woke up and peed for 26 seconds this morning. 26 seconds!
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...
That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
I found your doppelganger. same hair, eyes, personality, catch phrases, and penis. it was mind-boggeling.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
I'd rather be sodomized with a fullly decorated Christmas tree.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I could drive to your house and kick you in the nuts right now....and not even stop for a burrito
Well, I crapped my pants in front of her entire family, was laughed out of their house, and I had to walk home with shit stained pants. So, yeah, it went really well.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
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