Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
Just got home. Taking a quick shower. I smell like sex and chorizo. Dont ask.
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Randomize
