If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
He's hinting that I'm starting to be kicked out of their blunt rides, I can feel it.
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
Randomize
