everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Randomize
