You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
Owwww. A manager/ employee sex scandal that DOES NOT involve me! SCORE!!!
I just realized that Margarita Wednesdays are so much better now when followed by No Work Thursdays.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
