Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
Wait you took his virginity AND broke his bed doing it
I know! I’m the best!
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