by the end of the night i am guaranteed to have less of a face than Seal....
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You really need to get over the whole "jail" thing. Its really not that bad.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
Dude he took a shit in the lake and it just floated around and lingered near our boat for 2 hours. I fucking hate that kid
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
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