I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
My life has literally become a dickpocolypse. Thank you, summer, I missed you.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
I get off at 11. but they've been letting me go early cuz I've been crying a lot
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize