I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
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yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
Yea no bueno and I only brought enough weed to last one night. And it was no Hanukah nug, it didn't last 8 days.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
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There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I'm sorry I walked in on you guys, but all I heard from outside was her screaming "Dive, dive!". Sex was my last guess for what was going on in there.
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