my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
someone wrote my own number down on my hand and then call me.
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
