I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
We won't sleep together?
Yes. Hungover. All the boys are going wakeboarding. Boys only. I wish I was a gay guy so I could go wakeboarding but still suck dick.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
Ive seen a birth plenty of times, pretty awesome like a bear trying to climb out of a volkswagon.
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
