When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
She tied me up with her honor cords...
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
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