His idea of a romantic evening was shotgunning Keystones. What a keeper.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
They wouldn't let me on the bull because I couldn't even sign my own name... She let me try 3 times...
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Although, she is an extremely cool person. She put the "buddy" in "fuck buddy." And I mean that in the most respectful way possible.
Randomize
