I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
My underwear smells like fireworks.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Think I have the only job where I can be naked in a room with my manager at work. Apart from hookers
Randomize
