I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Well, I'm hung over and my penis hurts - two signs of success
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
Randomize
