Cold hands, warm shart.
Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.
I didn't take her seriously until she snorted that ramen noodle flavor packet...
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
whose parrot is this?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
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