If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Yeah he is here but I can't let him know I am until he has like 30 min worth of drinks. so when he see me he isn't like "omg ew,NO!"
I have so much to learn from you, wise slut
so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders
just snorted lines off a mancala board. I'm destined to win this game.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
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