I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
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