I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Thats the worst face I've ever seen you make an I've seen you throw up in your own hair.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
You did an excessive amount of blow and then screamed "WHO THE FUCK NEEDS A LADDER?!" And then Mario style wall-jumped onto the roof. It was one of the most impressive things I've ever seen.
Randomize
