Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Nothing like cleaning out your cleavage from lunch, finding cookie crumbs and eating them...
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
the cuervo was good, but I started with jello shots. and when i threw up a whole jello shot came out.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Randomize
