No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
Randomize
