my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
She looks like a junkie muppet...awful
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Up until today, I never would have thought I'd have to tell someone not to color on the cat
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
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