The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
lol earlier she was acting like a normal gf... and then BANG! shes touching herself again...
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Randomize
