i need an iv and a liver transplant
I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
If we have to be apart I understand. Being separated is probably best for our relationship now. I look forward to our booty calls.
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Everyone else in class agrees the weed smell is coming from me
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
You're emotionally mature, right? I said you were.
I have at least four things in my line of sight that have Kermit the Frog on them in my dorm. Does that answer your question?
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