i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
So I have to ask... did I meet your lumberjack expectations? I mean, minus the red flannel and all.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
I just had a flash of me drinking straight vodka out of a condom...
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
