You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
It’s only loud for those who wanna get loud. The bowlers are protected.
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