I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
I just woke up covered In blood, I have cuts all over my body, I can't find my clothes from last night, I'm still wasted, i'm pretty sure I have a sprained ankle, and the best part is, I have absolutely no recollection of what led to this. THAT'S why vodka is the greatest drink in the world.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
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