today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I made a White Russian but saw how early it was and decided to substitute it for milk in my lucky charms. This is what it means to be an adult.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
