I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
We share an apartment, weed and genitals. It's called being practical not in love.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
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