eh.. i should've known it was headed downhill after he used the phrase "pussy sundae"
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
I kinda wanna eat your hands right now.
Put down the everclear and go to bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
So your brother is gay after all... Just caught him making out with my brother... Apparently he's gay too
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
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