She kept screaming "yeah! You pick up my books!" the whole time. . .
angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up
$1 pitcher night should be outlawed.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
You were on the drunk bus swinging around on the pole when you decided you were hungry, so you pulled half a bagel out of your pants and ate it. Everyone stared at you, dumbfounded as to where it came from, and cheered
I most definitely just found a video on my phone that I accidentally took... You can't see anything and all you can hear is me talking about how good your water was... And then I fed it to you... And used the word "eloquent" to describe it.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize
