My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol
Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.
Are you sighing at your phone and judging me right now?
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT