i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
yeah true but how easily can you rip a scrotum
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
