u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
