btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
No dude, you can't hot box a bus shelter.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Can you get snapchat back so I can show you all the places I threw up in/on last night?
When are your genitals available?
My disapointment is making my balls hurt :(
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
