You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Peanut butter balls.
IF YOU EVEN COME NEAR MY BALLS AGAIN I SWEAR TO GOD
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
hell or highwater he WILL get a blowjob in the hammock before the end of summer.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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