how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
That guy was cool until he tried fighting that dude in the bow tie. I need better wingmen.
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
Randomize
