Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button
I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*
Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Check 'smoke weed with our ihop waiter' off of our To-Do List
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Randomize
