Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
mate, my mother watched me threw up out of my nose wearing only a g-string.
We need to go back to the barter system so I can sell my body and just be done with it.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
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