I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Just know I'm having fun but I still have my motor functions.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
Randomize
