Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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