wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
Did we both pass out talking about cake last night?
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
Some chick asked if she could eat me because I'm dressed as a taco. I introduced her to RJ. Best Wingman.
Now that weed is legalized There needs to be reusable bags for people to pick up with. All this plastic is so bad for the environment and a waste
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
Randomize
