i havee beer in my backseat and a glow in the dark condom in my cleaveage.
you're going for the gold here.
One can only hope that this night would end with my thumb in another humans rectum.
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
Randomize
