who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
Congratulations!! You are the WINNER of a brand new BLOWJOB!! You can collect your prize between the hours of 12pm and 1pm today, anywhere you'd like!!! :)
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
