Where did you get a picture of my penis
From behind she looks like Richard Simmons
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
We were basically fucking on the dance floor. People kept buying us drinks. It really only encouraged us.
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He knows whenever I get drunk I'm going to call him and make fun of his major. Its like a reverse booty call.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
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