White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
You sent me a text calling me "cunt" while i was in the middle of dumping my bf.
So we're fucking tonight?
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
This is my college life. Rolling at 4PM on a Wednesday to skrillex in the parking lot of a mexican restaurant.
How is it??
I'm drinking Gatorade out of a champagne flute.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Randomize
